Why Satan: Elfie’s Story

Our paths to modern Satanism are varied. Why Satan is our ongoing blog series where we tell about our individual journies in our own voices. We are hoping that these stories provide inspiration and comfort to those taking this path less traveled. If you would like to participate and share your story, you may email your contribution to namah@renosatanic.com or, if you prefer, fill out our form.

*Submissions may be slightly edited for length and clarity.

Why Satan: Elfie's Story
Photo by Freestocks for Unsplash

Imagine No Religion

My childhood was one disruption after another. Between ages eight and 18, I moved nine times, lived in two countries, and three different states and cities. Thankfully, I was gifted with innate resiliency.

My father raised me Catholic, while my mother tried to, secretly, indoctrinate me in the beliefs of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Both of my parents were sincere in their beliefs. They both set good examples of truth, kindness, and honesty for me and my siblings. I was a very deeply spiritual child and wanted to do right. I was also generally happy. Being obedient, honest, fair, and considerate was natural for me.

My parents separated when I was eleven. When I was 13 years old, my dad married a woman who turned out to be unstable and abusive. I was suddenly introduced to a life of fear, uncertainty, and stress. I found myself playing protector to my younger sisters, stepsisters, and even my father.

There is a lot more to my story. But the bottom line is, I realize that I’ve always felt a need to be in control of my life. I had to answer for my actions. The only person I could ever count on was me. Sure, I would pray to “God” for help. Yet, I knew I had to work in harmony with those prayers or they wouldn’t be answered.

While I still believed in “God”, I stopped attending church at age 14. Mostly because I’d moved in with my mother and her new husband. Neither of them attended church anymore, and I didn’t drive.

I married shortly after finishing high school. My husband and I didn’t want to return to the Catholic church.

But, we agreed, we wanted to give our child a Christian upbringing. We joined a church that emphasized family bible study. I liked this. I’d always wanted to truly know for myself what this “book from ‘God’” really said. I’ve also enjoyed reading, education, and learning. I felt that anyone who claimed to be Christian should know the bible if they claim to follow it.

During my 17 years in this church, I read the entire bible from Genesis through Revelation several times (different translations). I also studied it every week. The better I learned the bible, the less I liked what I was learning … and the less I liked the “God” of the bible. Our son, now a young adult, had begun questioning some of the church teachings. I found I couldn’t give him bible-based answers to his questions. In fact, I realized that the bible didn’t support my views anymore.

Though for slightly different reasons, my husband, son, and I all left the church around the same time. By this point in my life, I’d decided on several key points that led me away from organized religion, the bible, and “God”:

  • If ‘God’ made all mankind in his image, why did he play favorites and chose only one nation to be his people?
  • Why would an omnipotent and benevolent creator need, want, much less demand worship from humans? We are specks on a speck in the small corner of the universe. Is it ego or insecurity?
  • On that point, why punish people who worship other gods out of honest ignorance?
  • I couldn’t agree on conservative Christian teachings in general, being against: excessive piercings, tattoos, homosexuality, sex before marriage, divorce, women in church leadership positions, meditation, anything metaphysical, and so many other things.
  • This includes being against magic and mythology.

Though I’d decided that the Christian / Bible path wasn’t for me and I was not interested in joining any type of organized religion, I felt a need to seek my true spiritual path.

This led me back to my childhood. I realized that, despite my Christian upbringing, I believed in magic, fairies, and felt a strong connection to nature (including weather and the elements). I began down a solitary nature-based pagan path.

I also took the time to study other beliefs. I marveled at the similarity in most religions. Most of it is the same, just the names are changed.

My conclusions are that anything that is referred to as a god (Allah, Jehovah, Shiva, Kitchi Manito, Zeus, etc) is simply the energy that is the source of the universe and everything that exists. It is the source of the E=mc² that is what everything is.

I also believe that prayer and spells are the same things. Faith healing and energy healing are the same things. It is simply sending out strong intention into the universe. Working with energy is a real thing. There is a science behind it. Some call it magic. To me, when it comes to quantum physics, I believe it comes pretty close to being magical.

It is my belief that I am the only one responsible for my actions and my spiritual path is my own. Accepting this responsibility has given me enormous freedom.

Along the way, I also looked into Satanism. I found it interesting how aligned with my thinking the tenets were: respecting the beliefs of others, rectifying one’s own mistakes, and showing compassion. I liked the personal accountability.

~ Elfie

Would you like to read more stories about our personal journies to Modern Satanism? There’s more here…